I'm happiest when...

...the sky is clear and blue, the sun is shining, and I'm laying in my hammock just listening to music or the animals around me; enjoying nature & the day.

...the stars are bright in the sky on a warm, clear night.

...laughing and joking around the bonfire with friends and family.

...laying in his arms, with him stroking my hair, feeling safe and cared for.

...curled up in bed, petting a furry purring kitty.

...reading.

...in the kitchen: baking and listening to music and dancing.

...exploring new coffee shops with great friends.

...cruising down the road, windows down, breeze blowing thru my hair, jamming to some tunes.

...holding a sleeping baby.

...doing karate.

...weeding the rose garden.

...writing.

Stomp Out Suicide 5k Run/Walk for Awareness

Stomp Out Suicide 5k Run/Walk for Awareness Saturday, August 25th, 2011 Goodview Park Goodview Avenue, Wyoming MN Stomp Out Suicide 5K Run/Walk for Awareness will be an event for the entire family and will revolve around a 5k Run/Walk at Goodview Park in Wyoming, MN on Saturday, August 25th, 2012. This event is being created out of love and hope. Funds raised from this event will be donated to SAVE, a Minnesota (Bloomington) based organization. The event will have entertainment for every age group and is meant for the whole family to enjoy. Live music, kids area and some good food are just a few of the activities planned in addition to the 5K. The spirit of the event will be one of fun, music, food, family and friends. To see the race route, click here. Registration Information: Run/Walk Registration - $25.00 before 8/24/2012 $35.00 day of event Kids 12 years and younger - $15.00 before 8/24/2012 $20.00 day of event All registrations include a t-shirt 9:00 a.m. Check-in/Registration 10:00 a.m. 5K Run Starts 10:05 a.m. Walk Starts Schedule: 9:00 a.m. Registration 10:00 a.m. Runners start 10:05 a.m. Walkers start Here's a link to my donation page Such a great cause! And very near to my heart. I'd love to get at least a few more peeps to walk with me...anyone interested?

Global Citizenship & SAVE...

So I'm taking this Global Citizenship class this quarter. Really just reminds me of the things that I want to do & that I told myself I would do. I have a service-learning project that I need to do for this class. Oh, then write a paper about my reflections. Reminded me to re-connect with the SAVE people, make a more conscience effort to actually volunteer, to do my part to make a difference. In doing that I was looking around on their website, checking stuff out. I found that they're doing the usual walk (at Lake Harriet, August 25th) but that they're also doing a walk closer to my house (Wyoming, August 11th). Yay! So I registered for it & created a "team"...hoping to be able to talk some of my friends into walking with me. I think some of them will. Double yay!

Here's a link to my page.

http://save.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=533&participantID=2004

Random thoughts...

Am I a bad person because I hardly remember him? His touch, his scent, they allude me. Its hard to picture his face. His voice I can no longer hear, in its place is silence. Its been so long yet seems like only yesterday at times. Sometimes its like he only existed in my mind.

Some days I just ache. For what life could have been had he chosen to stay. He deserved a longer time here. Mi familia did not deserve the pain of his loss.

Maybe I didn't fight hard enough. His choice, I know, but still...

Everywhere around me I see beauty & happiness. Some days I think this ache, this pain, keeps me from it...or I allow it to anyways. Afraid to care, afraid to be hurt. Not wanting to be far, but scared to be close too.

Not sure what all this means. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I'm just ready to fight harder. Maybe I'm ready to face my fears...of being alone, of being hurt again...

rambling thoughts...

Have a bit on my mind...makes it hard to sleep lately...

Been thinking and come to some important decisions. I've decided to start dating again...that I can't wait for someone...only to be hurt in the end...that its time for me to look for happiness elsewhere...I deserve to be wanted by someone who WANTS to want me...And its time for me to take that to heart...

Had a friend tell me, "Don't ever waste your time waiting. You should be #1 not a second choice if things don't work out." Definitely what I had been thinking...

Now to put the plan into motion...it's hard, though...I feel like my heart just isn't in the game anymore...Nic told me then I should take my heart out of it and see what happens. He's usually right. Don't tell him I admitted that, though.

Sunday night's dream...

I was with M, we were in a dark, dank cave like place. It was cold & musty smelling. I could see tiny spiders crawling on the walls around us. Kinda creeped me out. I don't really like spiders, but I leave them be if they leave me be.

It seemed like he was leading me around in a maze. We were arguing about something. Then I saw some spider webs on the ceiling above where we were going to be. I saw the huge spiders crawling around in the webs. My heart started beating fast & I was scared. I didn't want to go that way but there was no other option. It was either this way or back the way we had come, that just wasn't an option to me. I tried to scrunch down so they wouldn't touch me. When we got under them, the huge spiders started crawling out of the webs. Two of them landed on me. There were more headed toward me. I fell to the ground & screamed & screamed. That's when I woke up...

So...can i tell you something?

Ok, so, I need to be serious for a minute...and I just need to tell this...cuz I need to say it to someone...k?

Wait, I just realized that to accurately tell this I need to tell about the things leading up to it...dang, I hate that...oh well, here goes...

So, M set up a time to finish swapping our stuff, right?! Not a huge deal, it was time to get all my stuff back anyways and way past time to get rid of his. So, he was supposed to bring my stuff to my work & then I'd give him his, right? Right...only he didn't bring mine! Mildly irritated me, but no biggie, right? Right.

Til he started texting me later that night. Though when it started I didn't think it was a big deal cuz I was trying to be all amicable and stuff. I mean, we do have alot of the same friends. But when I started responding in a way that he didn't like, he got mean and hurtful. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore and fell asleep.

I woke to three texts from him. One saying, "we chatted a few months ago, you haven't changed." So I thought, whatever. The second one was obviously unimportant to me cuz I don't even remember what it says. But the third, yeah, that's the one that pissed me off, "Les was right." And that's all it said. Instantaneously pissed me off! Dude, for real, you gave up the right to talk about my dead husband when we broke up! I sent him back a text that said, "You crossed a line. I didn't deserve that. I don't want to talk anymore." He spent like three or four texts explaining to me that he didn't mean it that way (never did say what way he did mean it). And all I did was keep sending the same text back, "You crossed a line. I didn't deserve that. I don't want to talk anymore." That was January 4th.

He texted me again January 12th, "Happy birthday." Ok, nice sentiment but still unwanted. I deleted it without a reply.

Then he replied to a pic on FB, which I then deleted. That was January 15th. On the 17th, he sent an email about me deleting the pics. I again chose not to reply and just deleted it. The next morning, he sent me a text asking if everything was ok. Ok, now I'm getting mad...which part of I don't want to talk anymore was unclear?! After talking with a good friend of mine, I sent back, "I want no further contact with you. If you continue I will consider it harassment." Pretty clear, right?!

So he stops talking, finally...or so I think. Then he sends me, "Happy Valentine's Day." Really, dude?! I mean, really?! My only reply, "which part of no contact did you not understand?" So far he hasn't sent anything else.

Though I have found out that he asked a friend to spy on my life for him. Grrr. Oh, and wanted to know from said friend if it would be okay to send me flowers. More grrr!

Which brings me to this...

The reason that the whole "Les was right" thing pissed me off is cuz the only thing that Les was very passionate about toward the end was that his life wasn't worth living if I wasn't in it...and as much as M pisses me off, but I don't think I'd handle it well if he killed himself too...So his seeming obsession with my life & what's going on in my life is a lil freaky for me...and a lil scary too...cuz Les almost brought me with him...So, I'm trying not to let that get to me, cuz I know that he knows all of this & how I'll react to it...and I hoped telling would help...