Random thoughts...

Am I a bad person because I hardly remember him? His touch, his scent, they allude me. Its hard to picture his face. His voice I can no longer hear, in its place is silence. Its been so long yet seems like only yesterday at times. Sometimes its like he only existed in my mind.

Some days I just ache. For what life could have been had he chosen to stay. He deserved a longer time here. Mi familia did not deserve the pain of his loss.

Maybe I didn't fight hard enough. His choice, I know, but still...

Everywhere around me I see beauty & happiness. Some days I think this ache, this pain, keeps me from it...or I allow it to anyways. Afraid to care, afraid to be hurt. Not wanting to be far, but scared to be close too.

Not sure what all this means. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I'm just ready to fight harder. Maybe I'm ready to face my fears...of being alone, of being hurt again...

rambling thoughts...

Have a bit on my mind...makes it hard to sleep lately...

Been thinking and come to some important decisions. I've decided to start dating again...that I can't wait for someone...only to be hurt in the end...that its time for me to look for happiness elsewhere...I deserve to be wanted by someone who WANTS to want me...And its time for me to take that to heart...

Had a friend tell me, "Don't ever waste your time waiting. You should be #1 not a second choice if things don't work out." Definitely what I had been thinking...

Now to put the plan into motion...it's hard, though...I feel like my heart just isn't in the game anymore...Nic told me then I should take my heart out of it and see what happens. He's usually right. Don't tell him I admitted that, though.

Sunday night's dream...

I was with M, we were in a dark, dank cave like place. It was cold & musty smelling. I could see tiny spiders crawling on the walls around us. Kinda creeped me out. I don't really like spiders, but I leave them be if they leave me be.

It seemed like he was leading me around in a maze. We were arguing about something. Then I saw some spider webs on the ceiling above where we were going to be. I saw the huge spiders crawling around in the webs. My heart started beating fast & I was scared. I didn't want to go that way but there was no other option. It was either this way or back the way we had come, that just wasn't an option to me. I tried to scrunch down so they wouldn't touch me. When we got under them, the huge spiders started crawling out of the webs. Two of them landed on me. There were more headed toward me. I fell to the ground & screamed & screamed. That's when I woke up...

So...can i tell you something?

Ok, so, I need to be serious for a minute...and I just need to tell this...cuz I need to say it to someone...k?

Wait, I just realized that to accurately tell this I need to tell about the things leading up to it...dang, I hate that...oh well, here goes...

So, M set up a time to finish swapping our stuff, right?! Not a huge deal, it was time to get all my stuff back anyways and way past time to get rid of his. So, he was supposed to bring my stuff to my work & then I'd give him his, right? Right...only he didn't bring mine! Mildly irritated me, but no biggie, right? Right.

Til he started texting me later that night. Though when it started I didn't think it was a big deal cuz I was trying to be all amicable and stuff. I mean, we do have alot of the same friends. But when I started responding in a way that he didn't like, he got mean and hurtful. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore and fell asleep.

I woke to three texts from him. One saying, "we chatted a few months ago, you haven't changed." So I thought, whatever. The second one was obviously unimportant to me cuz I don't even remember what it says. But the third, yeah, that's the one that pissed me off, "Les was right." And that's all it said. Instantaneously pissed me off! Dude, for real, you gave up the right to talk about my dead husband when we broke up! I sent him back a text that said, "You crossed a line. I didn't deserve that. I don't want to talk anymore." He spent like three or four texts explaining to me that he didn't mean it that way (never did say what way he did mean it). And all I did was keep sending the same text back, "You crossed a line. I didn't deserve that. I don't want to talk anymore." That was January 4th.

He texted me again January 12th, "Happy birthday." Ok, nice sentiment but still unwanted. I deleted it without a reply.

Then he replied to a pic on FB, which I then deleted. That was January 15th. On the 17th, he sent an email about me deleting the pics. I again chose not to reply and just deleted it. The next morning, he sent me a text asking if everything was ok. Ok, now I'm getting mad...which part of I don't want to talk anymore was unclear?! After talking with a good friend of mine, I sent back, "I want no further contact with you. If you continue I will consider it harassment." Pretty clear, right?!

So he stops talking, finally...or so I think. Then he sends me, "Happy Valentine's Day." Really, dude?! I mean, really?! My only reply, "which part of no contact did you not understand?" So far he hasn't sent anything else.

Though I have found out that he asked a friend to spy on my life for him. Grrr. Oh, and wanted to know from said friend if it would be okay to send me flowers. More grrr!

Which brings me to this...

The reason that the whole "Les was right" thing pissed me off is cuz the only thing that Les was very passionate about toward the end was that his life wasn't worth living if I wasn't in it...and as much as M pisses me off, but I don't think I'd handle it well if he killed himself too...So his seeming obsession with my life & what's going on in my life is a lil freaky for me...and a lil scary too...cuz Les almost brought me with him...So, I'm trying not to let that get to me, cuz I know that he knows all of this & how I'll react to it...and I hoped telling would help...

Now wasn't the time...

You never told me lies.
You never said pretty words that were untrue.
I was always me,
You were always you.

It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.

I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.

You helped me to heal in ways I didn't even realize.
I tried to help you too.
You were there when I was scared,
when I was hurting & blue.

It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.

I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.

Now I find myself reaching,
But I stop afraid you're not there.
I tell myself it doesn't matter,
That it doesn't mean you don't care.

But...

It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.

I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Maybe I am destined to be alone.
Maybe there is no family in my future.
No husband.
No children.
No happily ever after.

So I try not to hope.
And I try not to yearn.
And I pretend there's no ache.
I put on the mask & smile for all to see.
While, silently, inside I cry.

I don't always wear the mask.
Some do see the real me.
They say the things I so want to hear.
For a lil while I can believe.
For a lil while I can hope.

Its growing harder to contain.
It no longer wants to be caged.
The loneliness.
The ache.
The fear.

To be wanted.
To be cherished.
To be desired.
To be needed.
To be loved.

I can see it in my dreams.
I can feel it in my soul.

But...

Maybe I am destined to be alone...

December 1, 2009

I wrote that last week...I was sad when I wrote it...but wow it brought me to where I am today...allowing myself to be patient & wait for whatever it is that life is going to show me...allowing myself the right to be happy...it's taken me a long time to get here, to this place where I have the right to be happy and I deserve the love that I long for...and I will damned if I am going to let fear or loneliness hold me back or take me down. Sometimes it's harder than others to remind myself of this. Luckily I have really awesome friends who care for me and who aren't afraid to tell me the things I might not want to hear or who say the things that I need to hear. It's good to feel grounded. To feel happy. And to feel love, from mi familia y mi amigos...

This Year's November Thoughts...

So, it's that time of year again for me...maybe some of you reading don't know what exactly November is to me...don't worry, I'll tell you...for me November is heartache, pain, remembrance, betrayal, weakness, loneliness....but it's also become a time for renewal, laughter, new memories, & new beginnings...

Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been seven years. And others it's hard to believe it hasn't been more. It's always like that when someone that you love dies unexpectedly, right? Harder still when it was their own choice. *sigh* It's hard for me to remember that not everyone that knows me knows about this moment in my life. It's one of those moments that change a person forever.

I told him I was leaving on Friday. He went to stay with my parents because I didn't want him in the house anymore and he didn't know where else to go 'til he found a different place. Sunday night we had dinner and he took my wedding ring off while I slept and deleted his contact info from my cell. He gave the ring to my mom to hold onto. We argued about the ring and my cell.

Tuesday I decided that I didn't want to go home that night, that I needed to not go home. Doug, my oldest brother had called me that afternoon and asked how things were going. He told me that my husband had asked a mutual friend for a gun. I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I wasn't going to sit home alone that night.

He called while I was out that night, I didn't answer. He left a voicemail saying how it would be better this way. I thought he meant he was leaving town.

I woke the next morning to a call from my mom. "I've been checking on him all night. I'm not sure he's breathing and I'm afraid to go in and check."

"If you're afraid to go check, then you have to, Mom."

"Oh God, I'll call you back."

When the phone rang again and it was my dad, I knew.

Driving to their home from St. Paul was one of the hardest things I've done. I thank my lucky stars every day that Doug was working in Shoreview. I'm not sure I'd have made it all the way to Oak Grove if Doug hadn't met me in Shoreview and driven the rest of the way.

I don't want to go into much more detail but suffice it to say when they ask you if you want to go in the room with the body, the response should always be, "no thank you."

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. Dad met me in the driveway with a hug. Amy was there. Jenni was there. Tesha was there.

He left a three page note. He left 14 voicemails on his cell phone for me to listen to and one on mom's phone telling us to listen to his. He left three notes at the house.

For so long it was hard to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't. He made his choices. He was sick (bi-polar, unmedicated). Even knowing all of that, sometimes it's still hard to not see it as my fault. I mean, I could have stayed and tried harder to make things work. I could have answered the phone that night when he tried to call. I could have went home. But what if's and could have's and should haven't aren't going to get me anywhere.

Sometimes it's still hard to wake and not have him there. Heck, sometimes it's hard to fall asleep without him there. I'm honest about it to myself. I get points for that, right?! But I remember why I was leaving. I remember being unhappy and feeling like I deserved to be happy.

I still think I deserve to be happy. In November, it's just harder, sometimes, to remind myself why.

This year has been harder, for alot of stupid reasons. Lost my job then found a new one. Broke up with my boyfriend. Fighting with my parents. Just feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to turn.

Which brings me to the reason I started this entry...I have the coolest friends ever. They've all been really supportive. Thanks, y'all.

I had some really great talks with Tesha & Amy over the weekend...our November trip. Gosh, I think it's our fifth one. Cannon Falls. Wisconsin. Hastings. Lake Pepin. Not necessarily in that order.

Some really great talks. Talks we probably should have had years ago. Because how can your friends know the things that you need from them if you don't tell them?! So, I'm working on telling them all the things that I've been afraid to tell them for years. The things that I was afraid would worry them or would make me seem weak.

It's okay to tell your friends that you need cuddles or someone to just hold you, let you cry and tell you everything will be okay. And, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel alone sometimes. It's even okay to feel weak. The one thing I learned this year is that even when feeling all of that, it's okay to reach out. You have to reach out, even if you think that your problems aren't as important as the ones that your friends already have. Let them make that choice. Let them show you how important you are to them. Let them try to help you.

I'll write more about the discussions another time...it's getting late and I need to get some sleep...