Late Night Thoughts

Having some feels today/tonight.  Not all bad by any means, but keeping me awake kind of feels. 

It's too close to fathers day (both my dads have passed & it still hurts). Having a memorial for my uncle in a couple days & even though i miss him, it makes me think of my aunt (his late wife) & my mom even more...i miss them so much.

Mutually decided to back up a relationship & rebuild the friendship foundation. It was totally the right decision for us both. Though it did sadden me a lil. 

So much swirling around in my head. Think I'll just be a kitty tomorrow if anyone needs me. Ya know, lay around & back in the sun? Yep, that's what i wanna do. 

I mean, once i actually fall asleep. Which i hope happens soon cuz my head hurts too.

Hospitals suck

It's been a crazy couple weeks. I've been kinda quiet.  Some of y'all know what's been going on, some not.

Mom has been sick, basically, since New Years. She's been in the hospital since the 4th. There have been a few ups & downs in that time. Thanks to everyone that had called, texted, or visited. Mom sure appreciated all the good thoughts & kind words.

I've been staying at the hospital with her. Man, those recliners suck to sleep in...but my mama wanted me there, so that's where I was.

Sorry to anyone that I may have ignored or not kept touch with; this crap is hard.

I've been thinking about it for awhile now; I'm going to start a caring bridge page for her. That way anyone that wants to know how things are going or how she's doing can just look there. I'll let people know when I'm done with it.

Currently, I'm home...sick...and just texting mom for updates on how she's feeling. Ugh, I hate being sick. Guess the hospital had been a lil draining.

Here's hoping mom can come home tomorrow & that I feel well enough again to help make that happen.

It’s that time of year again...

The time when I’m drawn into the past a little. I find that it’s not all bad lately, though. These thoughts all remind me to be thankful for where I am in life, the things & people that I’m surrounded by, as well as how far I’ve come. Also a motivator for where I want to go, what I want to do, & things I want to accomplish. But first...

Nineteen years ago tonight I was laying on my parent’s couch, not being able to sleep, and preparing for what would be the most exciting day of my life up until then. I was getting married! I have such wonderful memories of that day. Les, my groom, looked so handsome...so did my dad & my brothers (as well as Donny & Gabe). All my girls were with me...my nieces & my closest friends & my sisters-in-law & my mom, of course...they looked so beautiful. The sun was shining & it was beautiful out, though a little warm, it wasn’t unbearable. The ceremony was lovely. The reception was awesome, though my family gets a bit rowdy at times, at the time I didn’t know anything but that we were all dancing & having a good time. Nothing could have brought me down from that cloud I was floating on that entire day.Looking back now I’m sure it wasn’t perfect, but nothing ever is, right?

Now I’m reminded to cherish the time I have with those I love. Maybe I hold on a little tight sometimes...or a bit loosely too from time to time...fear will do that to a person. Or it does that to me anyways. Apparently I’ve no real middle ground. I’m afraid to be hurt. I’m afraid to love someone & lose them again. It’s hard & it broke me the last time in a way to changed me forever.

Maybe those changes weren’t all bad. However they were difficult changes. Changes I don’t want to try to rebuild myself from again. Broken pieces put back together can still make something beautiful, right? Not the same, but beautiful nonetheless. 

Those are my thoughts tonight. What are yours?

Savoring What I Love

Prompt: Savoring is the capacity to notice and appreciate the little joys, the small pleasures, and the enjoyable moments in our everyday lives.

Walk around your home and savor what you love. It could be a painting someone gave you, a lamp you found at a flea market, or the smell of something cooking in your oven. Then write about it...

First let me apologize about the lateness of my post...

There are so many things around my home that I love, that bring me back to places or moments in my life that I want to remember or feelings that I want to invoke.

* The first thing I see is a pair of earrings that my dad brought me from Colorado quite a few years ago now. A pair that I would never wear, they’re super cute with lil forget-me-not flowers inside but gold…I never wear gold cause I’m such a silver girl.

* The various mosaics that Tesha has made me. A covered bowl that I put wishes inside. An old wine bottle made into an oil lamp that I have a stuffed monkey hanging from. An awesome green mirror in my closet. A small purple box with a cool flip up mirror. Such awesome stuff, cool memories.

* The vase that Jenni painted a castle on for me. Makes me smile every time I see it. Makes me think of happier times.

* The journal that Amy & Gabe gave me for my first anniversary. The journal/sketchbook that I picked out when Amy & I were looking for journals for our Journaling Through Grief group.

* So many pictures. Memories. Smiles. Love.

* Baking. Apple pie cause it’s that time of year for me. Custard pie cause it makes me think of my dad. Cookies cause it makes me think of G (she loved to sneak cookies).

* Bernard. Alex. My lil pink kitty from when I was a baby. Benji. Christopher. My blue and brown bear also from my childhood. So many cute stuffed animals with so many memories.

There is so much that I savor in my home. So many things that bring back times & places that I want to remember or lessons that I don’t want to forget or even people that I miss and cherish.

* The heart shaped handprint that we helped Tristin make and paint for my parents.

* The gazebo next to the pool…it has shingles now, the last thing my dad had a chance to do to it.

* My mom’s wind chimes hanging in the kitchen.

* Dr. Mario still playing on the Nintendo in the basement.

* All dad’s boxes of comics.

* The big wolf picture in the living room that Les & I bought for mom our last Christmas together.

* The bear wrapped in a receiving blanket that G loved to cuddle.

* The china cabinet in the basement full of glasses that were my grandma’s or my great-grandma’s…mom sometimes drinks wine out of them with me…such a special treat…making new memories while cherishing old ones.

* The painted on saw that dad got specially for mom.

Who was kind to you this week?

Kindness can be defined so many different ways & looked at from so many differing angles. Kindness could be a smile on a particularly icky day. Kindness could be hugs when you’re sad. Kindness could be a foot or backrub. Kindness could be in the form of a conversation that needed to happen. I have been showed much kindness since last I blogged.

I spoke with a new admissions advisor, Jared, at school a few days ago. He was a nice guy, seemed to be really sympathetic and understanding of everything I had been saying about the past year and some change of my life. It’s time to get school back on track and he’s going to help me do that.

A couple friends had my mom & I over for dinner and a bonfire on Friday. It was nice to be able to get away from everything for a bit and just be. It’s been a bit since I’ve been able to do that. Plus it was great to see my mom smiling, laughing, and having fun.

My awesome boyfriend (seems like such a crazy title at my age, right? Oh well.) gave me a backrub after a long day with two of my Goddaughters and a grueling team practice. He gave me a backrub even though he had played Ultimate all night as well. It was such a sweet thing to do, I thought. Then he cuddled with me until I fell asleep. Yeah, I know, I’m mushy when it comes to him. He just seems to bring that out in me.

Had a great dinner with my biological father, Doug, Connie, Jen, Kayla, Josh, Brittney, Melanie, Makenzie, Daniel, Tad, Ethan & Hailey...oh and Hannah-bean and Jace (aka baby cuteness). It was a bit chaotic but went really well, I think. It was Ethan & Hailey’s first exposure to my extended family. Oh, they’ve met my mom, but meeting my brothers, their wives, my nieces, and nephews well it can be a lil overwhelming to say the least. They were a lil shy at first but my girls really took to them nicely and were great with them to help make them feel comfortable. It was really great to see.

I’ve also been talking to an old friend. Someone who is very dear to my heart. Or has been in the past anyways. We’ve had some nice talks lately. I’m uncertain what will come of it but I’m hopeful. In any case I find that just being able to have friendly exchanges with her is a kind of gift to me…a kindness of both of our parts, I think.

I’ve also had a few nice conversations with my mom this week. Conversations that I feel we’ve needed to have for awhile. I still think she needs to talk to someone that isn’t me about all the emotional stuff that she’s feeling about losing dad but that’s a story for another blog post altogether. 

Seven Songs That Speak to Me (and Why)...

There are so many songs and lyrics in my head. So many that speak to me. And so many that whisper to me in the dark. All music moves me in one way or another, but some songs either have special meaning for me or bring back special memories or whisper to me of things that I need to remember or shouldn’t forget. So why would I not pick this topic when it’s my turn for the blog topic? Just cause it was my idea doesn’t mean it was easy for me to pick songs, though. I need to start giving this some more thought...dang...but then is easier really better?!

So in no particular order here are my seven picks:

1. Cryin’ for Me by Toby Keith ~ This song will probably always make me cry. Not just because it’s such a beautiful song, but because it will forever make me think of my dad and my grandma. I guess that’s what happens when you have songs played at funerals. But the words to the song are so true…I cry not for the person that is gone but for me being left here without him/her.

Got the news on Friday morning
But a tear I couldn't find
You showed me how I am supposed to live
Now you showed me how to die
I was lost til Sunday morning
I woke up to face my fear
While writing you this good bye song I found a tear

I'm going to miss that smile
I'm going to miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again

So play it sweet in heaven
Cause that's right where you want to be
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you
I am cryin' for me

I got up and dialed your number
Your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I have heard a thousand times
It just said, sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know that you think I am crazy
But I just had to hear your voice I guess

I'm going to miss that smile
I'm going to miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
Id do it all again

So play it sweet in heaven
Cause that's right where you want to be
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you
I am cryin' for me

Oh

So play your upsidedown, left handed
Backward bass guitar
I'll see you on the other side superstar

I'm going to miss that smile
I'm going to miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

So play it sweet in heaven
Cause that's right where you want to be
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you
I am cryin' for me

I'm still cryin'
I'm cryin' for me
Oh
I'm still cryin'

2. I Will…But by SHeDaisy ~ Another great song with a great message! This song speaks to me all those things that I want to remind myself of everyday. I deserve happiness, I deserve someone who loves me for me, I deserve to not settle for less than all of that. Sometimes it’s great to have these reminders in musical form.

I won't be bored
I won't be ignored
Hey!

I won't be your dirty secret
I won't be your cure-all pill
And I won't run to fetch the water
Just to tumble down the hill

I won't be your Friday paycheck
I won't be the prize you flaunt
And I won't be your Martha Stewart, baby
Or your all-night restaurant

[Chorus]
But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but

I won't be your crutch to lean on
I won't wear stiletto heels
I won't walk a mile in your shoes
Just so I know how it feels

I won't be your obligation
I won't be your Barbie doll
I won't be the portrait of perfection
To adorn you wall

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge]
Hey - you know, you know I will
All right

I won't be your lifetime girlfriend
I won't be just one of the guys
I won't be your mama's favorite
I refuse to be the last in line

[Repeat Chorus]

Yeah, I will, I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will be the whole shebang
I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will, I will, I will - yeah

You know I will
You know, you know I will
You know I will
You know, you know I will - yeah

3. Crash and Burn by Savage Garden ~ I love when an artist writes his/her own music. Savage Garden is one of those bands that write almost all of their own stuff. Even if I didn’t love their sound, I’d respect them for that. This song reminds me that I don’t need to be perfect and I don’t need to pretend that I am either.

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

4. Hurry Home by Jason Michael Carroll ~ A great story of unconditional love. A reminder that it does exist, that it can. And that it doesn’t matter what life throws at you or what you’ve been through or done, you are still loveable. A great reminder to be sure.

[Verse 1:]
He's been sittin' by the phone since she left
But it's time for work and he just can't be late
So he grabs his old guitar and he plays a couple bars
On the machine
Then he softly sings

[Chorus:]
It doesn't matter what you've done
I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been
You can still come home
And honey if it's you
We've got a lot of makin' up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone
So hurry home

[Verse 2:]
Well the message light was blinking when he got back
It was an old friend callin' cuz he just heard the news
He said man I hope you find her if I see her I'll remind her
That her daddy's worried and wantin her to know

[Chorus:]

[Verse 3:]
Well the days dragged by without a word from her
And it looked like she might not be coming back
People said man don't you think it's time to take that old message off
He said no you never know when she might call
She was just outside a bar in New York City
Her so-called friends had left her all alone
She was scared he wouldn't want her
But she dialed up that old number and let it ring
And then she heard him say

[Chorus:]
It doesn't matter what you've done
I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been
You can still come home
And honey if it's you we got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone
So hurry home
He walked in just in time to hear her say
"Dad I'm on my way"

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

5. You Can’t Hide Beautiful by Aaron Lines ~ This song is so me. I’m sure it’s not surprise to those close to me that I’ve always had “issues” when it comes to how I view myself. We are often times our own worst critics, right?! To think that someone can see past all that to the me that is true is a gift beyond measure. This is what this song says to me.

She says don't stare at me
She's afraid that I might see
Those 5 extra pounds she talks about
I don't know what she's talking about

She looks through magazines
With every page she dreams of
Looking like somebody else
I wish she wasn't so hard on herself

Then she falls asleep with just my t-shirt on
But even when her hair's messed up and her make-up's gone

You can't hide Beautiful
You can't hide wonderful
There's nothing that she has to do
It just comes natural
She makes it look easy
I love what she does to me
No way to disguise
The way that she shines
You can't hide beautiful

She can take a simple dress
Put it on and turn some heads
Everytime she moves she gets me
She doesn't even know she's sexy

And the way she thinks sometimes
Out of nowhere blows my mind
She makes me laugh and makes me dream
I love the way she looks at things

A little piece of heaven god gave to this world
She might think she's just an ordinary girl

You can't hide Beautiful
You can't hide wonderful
There's nothing that she has to do
It just comes natural
She makes it look easy
I love what she does to me
No way to disguise
The way that she shines
You can't hide beautiful

6. Ask Me by Amy Grant ~ This is one of those songs that brings me to tears…every time I hear it. For so many reasons. It’s a sad story, to be sure. It also reminds me of things I’d rather forget, a time in my life that I wish was just a bad dream. But it also speaks of hope after that crazy time. And hope after such a time is an important thing to have…a great time to remember.

I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her Momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind

You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names

Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all

So she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But no one's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she has found

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did he go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said His mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again
He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens

7. Mi Vida Loca (MyCrazy Life) by Pam Tillis ~ A feel good song. A reminder that life is crazy yet enjoyable and that we aren’t alone. Beyond all of that it is also a reminder of a time in my life when things were simpler…and of great times with friends that I’ve lost touch with over the years.

If you're coming with me you need nerves of steel
Cause I take corners on two wheels
It's a never-ending circus ride
The faint of heart need not apply

Mi Vida Loca over and over
Destiny turns on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Sweetheart before this night is through
I could fall in love with you
Come dancing on the edge with me
Let my passion set you free

Mi Vida Loca over and over
Destiny turns on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Here in the firelight I see your tattoo
Mi vido loco, so you're crazy too

Mi Vida Loca over and over
Destiny turns on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

We'll go where the wind blows
And I'll be your wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Special Mentions:

~ Sunglasses at Night by Corey Hart

~ Dirt Road Anthem by Jason Aldean

~ Kick It in the Sticks by Brantley Gilbert

~ Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain

~ The Red Strokes by Garth Brooks

~ Get Off On the Pain by Gary Allan

~ Girl In a Country Song by Maddie & Tae

~ Amame by Alexandre Pires

~ Vuelve by Ricky Martin

~ Bring Me to Life by Evanescense

I wish I could...

So many things come to mind when I think of things I wish I could do. So many. Now to decide if I should be realistic or just be no holds barred. *lol* Or maybe just a lil bit of both.

~ The first thing that popped into my head when given this prompt was an old Diamond Rio song, "One More Day:"

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you.

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

Yeah, I'd wish for more time with my dad. I miss him terribly. I miss his advice. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss his unconditional love. But I know that one more day just wouldn't be enough. Or to have met my mom's mom, Grandma Donna. I wish I could have known her. I've heard so many stories and she seems to have been such a firecracker. A woman strong enough to keep my hard-headed grandpa in line.

~ The next thing that popped into my head was that I wish I could have a baby of my own. I know that it's just not in the cards for me, and I've resigned myself to that reality, but some lil piece of me still yearns for that. 

~ I'm beginning to think that I maybe watched/listened to/read too many fairy tales growing up. Ugh. Unrealistic expectations of love. Which leads me to my next thought...part of me yearns for that "perfect love." White picket fence and all. *lol* Anyways, in all seriousness, I wish I could get married again. There I said it (or typed it rather but it's all the same, right?). In truth I don't think that marriage is the only way to have a committed partnership but there's just something about the titles, husband and wife. Yeah, I want that again someday.

~ I also wish I could travel. It would be so wonderful to see the world. Even just traveling in the United States would be great. I've never seen the ocean...and I really want to. I want to go somewhere that is not home and see places that take my breath away. Whenever I think of this, I remember our family road trip to/from Tennessee. Having mom and dad stop on some back road in the mountains so that Tesha & I could wade to the center of the river/stream to get a rock. *giggles* I still have my rock. It was an amazing trip. One I will always remember. I want that again.

~ I wish I could find a way to work from home. Maybe selling my mosiacs. Taking something that I love to do and making money from it would be amazing...and wonderful. This is something totally doable, though.

~ I wish I could publish some of my poetry...as well as start writing more. Something I've always wanted to do. Even if I end up with the only copy ever, it would be so awesome to have my poetry in book/mini-book form.

...have a raised garden.

...dye purple streaks in my hair (just a couple).

...be a better friend...girlfriend...aunt...cousin...sister...daughter...person.

...take some dance classes.

...earn my second degree black belt.

...take a few cooking/baking classes.

...get more sleep.