It’s that time of year again...

The time when I’m drawn into the past a little. I find that it’s not all bad lately, though. These thoughts all remind me to be thankful for where I am in life, the things & people that I’m surrounded by, as well as how far I’ve come. Also a motivator for where I want to go, what I want to do, & things I want to accomplish. But first...

Nineteen years ago tonight I was laying on my parent’s couch, not being able to sleep, and preparing for what would be the most exciting day of my life up until then. I was getting married! I have such wonderful memories of that day. Les, my groom, looked so handsome...so did my dad & my brothers (as well as Donny & Gabe). All my girls were with me...my nieces & my closest friends & my sisters-in-law & my mom, of course...they looked so beautiful. The sun was shining & it was beautiful out, though a little warm, it wasn’t unbearable. The ceremony was lovely. The reception was awesome, though my family gets a bit rowdy at times, at the time I didn’t know anything but that we were all dancing & having a good time. Nothing could have brought me down from that cloud I was floating on that entire day.Looking back now I’m sure it wasn’t perfect, but nothing ever is, right?

Now I’m reminded to cherish the time I have with those I love. Maybe I hold on a little tight sometimes...or a bit loosely too from time to time...fear will do that to a person. Or it does that to me anyways. Apparently I’ve no real middle ground. I’m afraid to be hurt. I’m afraid to love someone & lose them again. It’s hard & it broke me the last time in a way to changed me forever.

Maybe those changes weren’t all bad. However they were difficult changes. Changes I don’t want to try to rebuild myself from again. Broken pieces put back together can still make something beautiful, right? Not the same, but beautiful nonetheless. 

Those are my thoughts tonight. What are yours?

*sigh*

so much going on...

lost my job, and though that really sucks i feel so much less stress...it's been a long time since i was happy there...now time to find something new...

and M, wow...so much there...so many decisions to make...well, ok, maybe just one decision...do i stay and try to work on things or do i leave? i know that he loves me...i love him too...but is it enough? do i stay with him cuz i know he loves me? or do i leave cuz i know any change would only be temporary? it sort of comes down to how much do i love myself...

the ebb & flow of life...lately i feel it pushing me into the water, deeper and deeper...and all i can do is try to swim, try to stay afloat, try not to let it drown me in the pain...

it is August after all, why is it that the two most painful times in my life are toward the end of the year? August and November...Goddess, sometimes i just hate those months...just 11 short days and it would have been 10 years and he's been gone almost seven now...some day i'll be able to look at a calendar and not dread August & November...someday...

those are my thoughts for the day...and probably part of what's making my head hurt...

Thoughts on Suicide...

I have a few things weighing on my mind lately so I'm going to take the advise of a close friend (you know who you are) and try to put some of it down in writing...bare with me, I'm a bit scatter-minded lately...so I'll start with one of the most pressing things on my mind today...

Suicide...we all cringe when we see it in writing & weep a lil inside when we hear of it, but what do you do when someone close to you takes his/her own life? We're supposed to grieve & move on, right?! Yeah, whatever...like it's that easy.

It's been years now (almost 7) yet I still remember it like it happened yesterday. The call, the call that I'll never forget.

"I'm afraid to go check on him. Afraid he's not breathing."

"Then you need to go in there."

"I'll call you right back."

The words no one ever wants to hear. He's gone. The shock. The loss. The hurt. The anger. The all-consuming rage. And the heart-wrenching pain of loss.

I still have no idea how I drove as far as I did. I don't remember the drive, not really. I remember the conversations that I had while I was driving. Yeah, yeah, talking while I was driving...how else was I to stay sane? I'm grateful that my oldest brother was in Shoreview that day, he met me & drove the rest of the way to my parents' home.

I'm also thankful for all my friends that were with me that day (Amy, Jenni, Tesha)...if it weren't for them, I probably would have just curled up into a ball & cried for weeks. I'm so thankful to have them. For listening to me. For crying with me. For remembering with me. For breaking things with me. For helping me write that stupid obituary. For cooking with me. For laughing with me. For letting me be me. For just being who you are. For all of that & so much more, I'm thankful for your friendship. And all the help that they have been since still amazes me. I do have wonderful friends, real friends...and I love them with all that I am.

So what, you ask, has me thinking such deep thoughts lately. A friend who lost her brother to suicide asked me to do a suicide awareness walk with her in August, then another friend lost someone close to her to suicide. It all made me think that suicide touches our lives in more ways then we're aware.

I found the following thoughts, that I found way helpful, on this great website. Keep in mind that they are just excerpts of a bunch of useful information...I just thought these were great, even without all the other stuff. Simple, yet profound.

http://www.save.org/

When the worst has happened and you have lost a loved one to suicide there is little that can be said to comfort you.

It is okay to grieve.

It is okay to cry.

It is okay to heal.

It is okay to laugh.

Essential is to have at least one person who will allow them to grieve or give them permission to grieve.

You can postpone grief but you cannot avoid it. As other stresses come along, one becomes less able to cope if one has other unresolved grief.

It requires a great deal of energy to avoid grief and robs one of energy for creative expression in relating to other people and in living a fulfilling life. It limits one's life potential.

All that left me feeling like this walk that I'm going to do in August is the start of something wonderful. More healing, but not just for me, for so many others as well. By raising the awareness, by sharing my pain, I can help give a voice to all those that no longer have theirs.