Ok, so, I need to be serious for a minute...and I just need to tell this...cuz I need to say it to someone...k?
Wait, I just realized that to accurately tell this I need to tell about the things leading up to it...dang, I hate that...oh well, here goes...
So, M set up a time to finish swapping our stuff, right?! Not a huge deal, it was time to get all my stuff back anyways and way past time to get rid of his. So, he was supposed to bring my stuff to my work & then I'd give him his, right? Right...only he didn't bring mine! Mildly irritated me, but no biggie, right? Right.
Til he started texting me later that night. Though when it started I didn't think it was a big deal cuz I was trying to be all amicable and stuff. I mean, we do have alot of the same friends. But when I started responding in a way that he didn't like, he got mean and hurtful. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore and fell asleep.
I woke to three texts from him. One saying, "we chatted a few months ago, you haven't changed." So I thought, whatever. The second one was obviously unimportant to me cuz I don't even remember what it says. But the third, yeah, that's the one that pissed me off, "Les was right." And that's all it said. Instantaneously pissed me off! Dude, for real, you gave up the right to talk about my dead husband when we broke up! I sent him back a text that said, "You crossed a line. I didn't deserve that. I don't want to talk anymore." He spent like three or four texts explaining to me that he didn't mean it that way (never did say what way he did mean it). And all I did was keep sending the same text back, "You crossed a line. I didn't deserve that. I don't want to talk anymore." That was January 4th.
He texted me again January 12th, "Happy birthday." Ok, nice sentiment but still unwanted. I deleted it without a reply.
Then he replied to a pic on FB, which I then deleted. That was January 15th. On the 17th, he sent an email about me deleting the pics. I again chose not to reply and just deleted it. The next morning, he sent me a text asking if everything was ok. Ok, now I'm getting mad...which part of I don't want to talk anymore was unclear?! After talking with a good friend of mine, I sent back, "I want no further contact with you. If you continue I will consider it harassment." Pretty clear, right?!
So he stops talking, finally...or so I think. Then he sends me, "Happy Valentine's Day." Really, dude?! I mean, really?! My only reply, "which part of no contact did you not understand?" So far he hasn't sent anything else.
Though I have found out that he asked a friend to spy on my life for him. Grrr. Oh, and wanted to know from said friend if it would be okay to send me flowers. More grrr!
Which brings me to this...
The reason that the whole "Les was right" thing pissed me off is cuz the only thing that Les was very passionate about toward the end was that his life wasn't worth living if I wasn't in it...and as much as M pisses me off, but I don't think I'd handle it well if he killed himself too...So his seeming obsession with my life & what's going on in my life is a lil freaky for me...and a lil scary too...cuz Les almost brought me with him...So, I'm trying not to let that get to me, cuz I know that he knows all of this & how I'll react to it...and I hoped telling would help...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Now wasn't the time...
You never told me lies.
You never said pretty words that were untrue.
I was always me,
You were always you.
It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.
I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.
You helped me to heal in ways I didn't even realize.
I tried to help you too.
You were there when I was scared,
when I was hurting & blue.
It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.
I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.
Now I find myself reaching,
But I stop afraid you're not there.
I tell myself it doesn't matter,
That it doesn't mean you don't care.
But...
It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.
I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.
You never said pretty words that were untrue.
I was always me,
You were always you.
It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.
I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.
You helped me to heal in ways I didn't even realize.
I tried to help you too.
You were there when I was scared,
when I was hurting & blue.
It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.
I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.
Now I find myself reaching,
But I stop afraid you're not there.
I tell myself it doesn't matter,
That it doesn't mean you don't care.
But...
It was so nice to not be judged.
It was so nice to just be me.
No masks, no hiding, no one to appease.
I never asked you for more,
I knew now wasn't the time.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I still haven't found what I'm looking for...
Maybe I am destined to be alone.
Maybe there is no family in my future.
No husband.
No children.
No happily ever after.
So I try not to hope.
And I try not to yearn.
And I pretend there's no ache.
I put on the mask & smile for all to see.
While, silently, inside I cry.
I don't always wear the mask.
Some do see the real me.
They say the things I so want to hear.
For a lil while I can believe.
For a lil while I can hope.
Its growing harder to contain.
It no longer wants to be caged.
The loneliness.
The ache.
The fear.
To be wanted.
To be cherished.
To be desired.
To be needed.
To be loved.
I can see it in my dreams.
I can feel it in my soul.
But...
Maybe I am destined to be alone...
December 1, 2009
I wrote that last week...I was sad when I wrote it...but wow it brought me to where I am today...allowing myself to be patient & wait for whatever it is that life is going to show me...allowing myself the right to be happy...it's taken me a long time to get here, to this place where I have the right to be happy and I deserve the love that I long for...and I will damned if I am going to let fear or loneliness hold me back or take me down. Sometimes it's harder than others to remind myself of this. Luckily I have really awesome friends who care for me and who aren't afraid to tell me the things I might not want to hear or who say the things that I need to hear. It's good to feel grounded. To feel happy. And to feel love, from mi familia y mi amigos...
Maybe there is no family in my future.
No husband.
No children.
No happily ever after.
So I try not to hope.
And I try not to yearn.
And I pretend there's no ache.
I put on the mask & smile for all to see.
While, silently, inside I cry.
I don't always wear the mask.
Some do see the real me.
They say the things I so want to hear.
For a lil while I can believe.
For a lil while I can hope.
Its growing harder to contain.
It no longer wants to be caged.
The loneliness.
The ache.
The fear.
To be wanted.
To be cherished.
To be desired.
To be needed.
To be loved.
I can see it in my dreams.
I can feel it in my soul.
But...
Maybe I am destined to be alone...
December 1, 2009
I wrote that last week...I was sad when I wrote it...but wow it brought me to where I am today...allowing myself to be patient & wait for whatever it is that life is going to show me...allowing myself the right to be happy...it's taken me a long time to get here, to this place where I have the right to be happy and I deserve the love that I long for...and I will damned if I am going to let fear or loneliness hold me back or take me down. Sometimes it's harder than others to remind myself of this. Luckily I have really awesome friends who care for me and who aren't afraid to tell me the things I might not want to hear or who say the things that I need to hear. It's good to feel grounded. To feel happy. And to feel love, from mi familia y mi amigos...
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
This Year's November Thoughts...
So, it's that time of year again for me...maybe some of you reading don't know what exactly November is to me...don't worry, I'll tell you...for me November is heartache, pain, remembrance, betrayal, weakness, loneliness....but it's also become a time for renewal, laughter, new memories, & new beginnings...
Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been seven years. And others it's hard to believe it hasn't been more. It's always like that when someone that you love dies unexpectedly, right? Harder still when it was their own choice. *sigh* It's hard for me to remember that not everyone that knows me knows about this moment in my life. It's one of those moments that change a person forever.
I told him I was leaving on Friday. He went to stay with my parents because I didn't want him in the house anymore and he didn't know where else to go 'til he found a different place. Sunday night we had dinner and he took my wedding ring off while I slept and deleted his contact info from my cell. He gave the ring to my mom to hold onto. We argued about the ring and my cell.
Tuesday I decided that I didn't want to go home that night, that I needed to not go home. Doug, my oldest brother had called me that afternoon and asked how things were going. He told me that my husband had asked a mutual friend for a gun. I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I wasn't going to sit home alone that night.
He called while I was out that night, I didn't answer. He left a voicemail saying how it would be better this way. I thought he meant he was leaving town.
I woke the next morning to a call from my mom. "I've been checking on him all night. I'm not sure he's breathing and I'm afraid to go in and check."
"If you're afraid to go check, then you have to, Mom."
"Oh God, I'll call you back."
When the phone rang again and it was my dad, I knew.
Driving to their home from St. Paul was one of the hardest things I've done. I thank my lucky stars every day that Doug was working in Shoreview. I'm not sure I'd have made it all the way to Oak Grove if Doug hadn't met me in Shoreview and driven the rest of the way.
I don't want to go into much more detail but suffice it to say when they ask you if you want to go in the room with the body, the response should always be, "no thank you."
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. Dad met me in the driveway with a hug. Amy was there. Jenni was there. Tesha was there.
He left a three page note. He left 14 voicemails on his cell phone for me to listen to and one on mom's phone telling us to listen to his. He left three notes at the house.
For so long it was hard to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't. He made his choices. He was sick (bi-polar, unmedicated). Even knowing all of that, sometimes it's still hard to not see it as my fault. I mean, I could have stayed and tried harder to make things work. I could have answered the phone that night when he tried to call. I could have went home. But what if's and could have's and should haven't aren't going to get me anywhere.
Sometimes it's still hard to wake and not have him there. Heck, sometimes it's hard to fall asleep without him there. I'm honest about it to myself. I get points for that, right?! But I remember why I was leaving. I remember being unhappy and feeling like I deserved to be happy.
I still think I deserve to be happy. In November, it's just harder, sometimes, to remind myself why.
This year has been harder, for alot of stupid reasons. Lost my job then found a new one. Broke up with my boyfriend. Fighting with my parents. Just feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to turn.
Which brings me to the reason I started this entry...I have the coolest friends ever. They've all been really supportive. Thanks, y'all.
I had some really great talks with Tesha & Amy over the weekend...our November trip. Gosh, I think it's our fifth one. Cannon Falls. Wisconsin. Hastings. Lake Pepin. Not necessarily in that order.
Some really great talks. Talks we probably should have had years ago. Because how can your friends know the things that you need from them if you don't tell them?! So, I'm working on telling them all the things that I've been afraid to tell them for years. The things that I was afraid would worry them or would make me seem weak.
It's okay to tell your friends that you need cuddles or someone to just hold you, let you cry and tell you everything will be okay. And, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel alone sometimes. It's even okay to feel weak. The one thing I learned this year is that even when feeling all of that, it's okay to reach out. You have to reach out, even if you think that your problems aren't as important as the ones that your friends already have. Let them make that choice. Let them show you how important you are to them. Let them try to help you.
I'll write more about the discussions another time...it's getting late and I need to get some sleep...
Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been seven years. And others it's hard to believe it hasn't been more. It's always like that when someone that you love dies unexpectedly, right? Harder still when it was their own choice. *sigh* It's hard for me to remember that not everyone that knows me knows about this moment in my life. It's one of those moments that change a person forever.
I told him I was leaving on Friday. He went to stay with my parents because I didn't want him in the house anymore and he didn't know where else to go 'til he found a different place. Sunday night we had dinner and he took my wedding ring off while I slept and deleted his contact info from my cell. He gave the ring to my mom to hold onto. We argued about the ring and my cell.
Tuesday I decided that I didn't want to go home that night, that I needed to not go home. Doug, my oldest brother had called me that afternoon and asked how things were going. He told me that my husband had asked a mutual friend for a gun. I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I wasn't going to sit home alone that night.
He called while I was out that night, I didn't answer. He left a voicemail saying how it would be better this way. I thought he meant he was leaving town.
I woke the next morning to a call from my mom. "I've been checking on him all night. I'm not sure he's breathing and I'm afraid to go in and check."
"If you're afraid to go check, then you have to, Mom."
"Oh God, I'll call you back."
When the phone rang again and it was my dad, I knew.
Driving to their home from St. Paul was one of the hardest things I've done. I thank my lucky stars every day that Doug was working in Shoreview. I'm not sure I'd have made it all the way to Oak Grove if Doug hadn't met me in Shoreview and driven the rest of the way.
I don't want to go into much more detail but suffice it to say when they ask you if you want to go in the room with the body, the response should always be, "no thank you."
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. Dad met me in the driveway with a hug. Amy was there. Jenni was there. Tesha was there.
He left a three page note. He left 14 voicemails on his cell phone for me to listen to and one on mom's phone telling us to listen to his. He left three notes at the house.
For so long it was hard to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't. He made his choices. He was sick (bi-polar, unmedicated). Even knowing all of that, sometimes it's still hard to not see it as my fault. I mean, I could have stayed and tried harder to make things work. I could have answered the phone that night when he tried to call. I could have went home. But what if's and could have's and should haven't aren't going to get me anywhere.
Sometimes it's still hard to wake and not have him there. Heck, sometimes it's hard to fall asleep without him there. I'm honest about it to myself. I get points for that, right?! But I remember why I was leaving. I remember being unhappy and feeling like I deserved to be happy.
I still think I deserve to be happy. In November, it's just harder, sometimes, to remind myself why.
This year has been harder, for alot of stupid reasons. Lost my job then found a new one. Broke up with my boyfriend. Fighting with my parents. Just feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to turn.
Which brings me to the reason I started this entry...I have the coolest friends ever. They've all been really supportive. Thanks, y'all.
I had some really great talks with Tesha & Amy over the weekend...our November trip. Gosh, I think it's our fifth one. Cannon Falls. Wisconsin. Hastings. Lake Pepin. Not necessarily in that order.
Some really great talks. Talks we probably should have had years ago. Because how can your friends know the things that you need from them if you don't tell them?! So, I'm working on telling them all the things that I've been afraid to tell them for years. The things that I was afraid would worry them or would make me seem weak.
It's okay to tell your friends that you need cuddles or someone to just hold you, let you cry and tell you everything will be okay. And, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel alone sometimes. It's even okay to feel weak. The one thing I learned this year is that even when feeling all of that, it's okay to reach out. You have to reach out, even if you think that your problems aren't as important as the ones that your friends already have. Let them make that choice. Let them show you how important you are to them. Let them try to help you.
I'll write more about the discussions another time...it's getting late and I need to get some sleep...
Thursday, August 6, 2009
sometimes love just ain't enough...
never thought i'd say that...or believe it...
sometimes in the ebb & flow of life, we need to get away from the water before it pulls us too far in & we drown...
i've been trying to stay afloat too long...it's time to crawl on shore and curl up somewhere safe...
*looks around for a tree to curl up under, wiping the tears away*
sometimes in the ebb & flow of life, we need to get away from the water before it pulls us too far in & we drown...
i've been trying to stay afloat too long...it's time to crawl on shore and curl up somewhere safe...
*looks around for a tree to curl up under, wiping the tears away*
Monday, August 3, 2009
*sigh*
so much going on...
lost my job, and though that really sucks i feel so much less stress...it's been a long time since i was happy there...now time to find something new...
and M, wow...so much there...so many decisions to make...well, ok, maybe just one decision...do i stay and try to work on things or do i leave? i know that he loves me...i love him too...but is it enough? do i stay with him cuz i know he loves me? or do i leave cuz i know any change would only be temporary? it sort of comes down to how much do i love myself...
the ebb & flow of life...lately i feel it pushing me into the water, deeper and deeper...and all i can do is try to swim, try to stay afloat, try not to let it drown me in the pain...
it is August after all, why is it that the two most painful times in my life are toward the end of the year? August and November...Goddess, sometimes i just hate those months...just 11 short days and it would have been 10 years and he's been gone almost seven now...some day i'll be able to look at a calendar and not dread August & November...someday...
those are my thoughts for the day...and probably part of what's making my head hurt...
lost my job, and though that really sucks i feel so much less stress...it's been a long time since i was happy there...now time to find something new...
and M, wow...so much there...so many decisions to make...well, ok, maybe just one decision...do i stay and try to work on things or do i leave? i know that he loves me...i love him too...but is it enough? do i stay with him cuz i know he loves me? or do i leave cuz i know any change would only be temporary? it sort of comes down to how much do i love myself...
the ebb & flow of life...lately i feel it pushing me into the water, deeper and deeper...and all i can do is try to swim, try to stay afloat, try not to let it drown me in the pain...
it is August after all, why is it that the two most painful times in my life are toward the end of the year? August and November...Goddess, sometimes i just hate those months...just 11 short days and it would have been 10 years and he's been gone almost seven now...some day i'll be able to look at a calendar and not dread August & November...someday...
those are my thoughts for the day...and probably part of what's making my head hurt...
Thursday, July 2, 2009
*grrr*
i'm so mad right now...okay, so granted i've been hating my job a bit lately anyways but still...and, yes i know i'm lucky to have a job (there are those that don't)...and i'm happy to have one, sometimes i just wish it wasn't this one...
so for the past two and one half days i've been working on rental applications & renters insurance & changing utility billing & getting all the lease stuff together for one of our other locations. first, it's not in my job description so i'm a lil frustrated that i'm the one doing it anyways. but if our sales manager would have just brought the f*cking money order in last night like i told him to (with 2.5 hours to spare) he would have had the keys in hand and been able to move in last night...but, NO, he had too many things to do. forget the fact that i've only called 4 clients in the past 3 days or the fact that i had to go over everything from start with the lady at the rental office since he didn't tell me anything that i needed to know to talk to her. i mean, hello, her name would have been nice for starters. so, for the second time this week i'm staying at the office late, missing my karate class, cuz no one could get their stuff together...i'm so mad! and no one seems to think it's a big deal. and that just makes me more angry...
*deep breath* okay, i'm a lil better now...i need a vacation, well a different job for sure, but definitely a vacation...
so for the past two and one half days i've been working on rental applications & renters insurance & changing utility billing & getting all the lease stuff together for one of our other locations. first, it's not in my job description so i'm a lil frustrated that i'm the one doing it anyways. but if our sales manager would have just brought the f*cking money order in last night like i told him to (with 2.5 hours to spare) he would have had the keys in hand and been able to move in last night...but, NO, he had too many things to do. forget the fact that i've only called 4 clients in the past 3 days or the fact that i had to go over everything from start with the lady at the rental office since he didn't tell me anything that i needed to know to talk to her. i mean, hello, her name would have been nice for starters. so, for the second time this week i'm staying at the office late, missing my karate class, cuz no one could get their stuff together...i'm so mad! and no one seems to think it's a big deal. and that just makes me more angry...
*deep breath* okay, i'm a lil better now...i need a vacation, well a different job for sure, but definitely a vacation...
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