i'm so mad right now...okay, so granted i've been hating my job a bit lately anyways but still...and, yes i know i'm lucky to have a job (there are those that don't)...and i'm happy to have one, sometimes i just wish it wasn't this one...
so for the past two and one half days i've been working on rental applications & renters insurance & changing utility billing & getting all the lease stuff together for one of our other locations. first, it's not in my job description so i'm a lil frustrated that i'm the one doing it anyways. but if our sales manager would have just brought the f*cking money order in last night like i told him to (with 2.5 hours to spare) he would have had the keys in hand and been able to move in last night...but, NO, he had too many things to do. forget the fact that i've only called 4 clients in the past 3 days or the fact that i had to go over everything from start with the lady at the rental office since he didn't tell me anything that i needed to know to talk to her. i mean, hello, her name would have been nice for starters. so, for the second time this week i'm staying at the office late, missing my karate class, cuz no one could get their stuff together...i'm so mad! and no one seems to think it's a big deal. and that just makes me more angry...
*deep breath* okay, i'm a lil better now...i need a vacation, well a different job for sure, but definitely a vacation...
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thoughts on Suicide...
I have a few things weighing on my mind lately so I'm going to take the advise of a close friend (you know who you are) and try to put some of it down in writing...bare with me, I'm a bit scatter-minded lately...so I'll start with one of the most pressing things on my mind today...
Suicide...we all cringe when we see it in writing & weep a lil inside when we hear of it, but what do you do when someone close to you takes his/her own life? We're supposed to grieve & move on, right?! Yeah, whatever...like it's that easy.
It's been years now (almost 7) yet I still remember it like it happened yesterday. The call, the call that I'll never forget.
"I'm afraid to go check on him. Afraid he's not breathing."
"Then you need to go in there."
"I'll call you right back."
The words no one ever wants to hear. He's gone. The shock. The loss. The hurt. The anger. The all-consuming rage. And the heart-wrenching pain of loss.
I still have no idea how I drove as far as I did. I don't remember the drive, not really. I remember the conversations that I had while I was driving. Yeah, yeah, talking while I was driving...how else was I to stay sane? I'm grateful that my oldest brother was in Shoreview that day, he met me & drove the rest of the way to my parents' home.
I'm also thankful for all my friends that were with me that day (Amy, Jenni, Tesha)...if it weren't for them, I probably would have just curled up into a ball & cried for weeks. I'm so thankful to have them. For listening to me. For crying with me. For remembering with me. For breaking things with me. For helping me write that stupid obituary. For cooking with me. For laughing with me. For letting me be me. For just being who you are. For all of that & so much more, I'm thankful for your friendship. And all the help that they have been since still amazes me. I do have wonderful friends, real friends...and I love them with all that I am.
So what, you ask, has me thinking such deep thoughts lately. A friend who lost her brother to suicide asked me to do a suicide awareness walk with her in August, then another friend lost someone close to her to suicide. It all made me think that suicide touches our lives in more ways then we're aware.
I found the following thoughts, that I found way helpful, on this great website. Keep in mind that they are just excerpts of a bunch of useful information...I just thought these were great, even without all the other stuff. Simple, yet profound.
http://www.save.org/
When the worst has happened and you have lost a loved one to suicide there is little that can be said to comfort you.
It is okay to grieve.
It is okay to cry.
It is okay to heal.
It is okay to laugh.
Essential is to have at least one person who will allow them to grieve or give them permission to grieve.
You can postpone grief but you cannot avoid it. As other stresses come along, one becomes less able to cope if one has other unresolved grief.
It requires a great deal of energy to avoid grief and robs one of energy for creative expression in relating to other people and in living a fulfilling life. It limits one's life potential.
All that left me feeling like this walk that I'm going to do in August is the start of something wonderful. More healing, but not just for me, for so many others as well. By raising the awareness, by sharing my pain, I can help give a voice to all those that no longer have theirs.
Suicide...we all cringe when we see it in writing & weep a lil inside when we hear of it, but what do you do when someone close to you takes his/her own life? We're supposed to grieve & move on, right?! Yeah, whatever...like it's that easy.
It's been years now (almost 7) yet I still remember it like it happened yesterday. The call, the call that I'll never forget.
"I'm afraid to go check on him. Afraid he's not breathing."
"Then you need to go in there."
"I'll call you right back."
The words no one ever wants to hear. He's gone. The shock. The loss. The hurt. The anger. The all-consuming rage. And the heart-wrenching pain of loss.
I still have no idea how I drove as far as I did. I don't remember the drive, not really. I remember the conversations that I had while I was driving. Yeah, yeah, talking while I was driving...how else was I to stay sane? I'm grateful that my oldest brother was in Shoreview that day, he met me & drove the rest of the way to my parents' home.
I'm also thankful for all my friends that were with me that day (Amy, Jenni, Tesha)...if it weren't for them, I probably would have just curled up into a ball & cried for weeks. I'm so thankful to have them. For listening to me. For crying with me. For remembering with me. For breaking things with me. For helping me write that stupid obituary. For cooking with me. For laughing with me. For letting me be me. For just being who you are. For all of that & so much more, I'm thankful for your friendship. And all the help that they have been since still amazes me. I do have wonderful friends, real friends...and I love them with all that I am.
So what, you ask, has me thinking such deep thoughts lately. A friend who lost her brother to suicide asked me to do a suicide awareness walk with her in August, then another friend lost someone close to her to suicide. It all made me think that suicide touches our lives in more ways then we're aware.
I found the following thoughts, that I found way helpful, on this great website. Keep in mind that they are just excerpts of a bunch of useful information...I just thought these were great, even without all the other stuff. Simple, yet profound.
http://www.save.org/
When the worst has happened and you have lost a loved one to suicide there is little that can be said to comfort you.
It is okay to grieve.
It is okay to cry.
It is okay to heal.
It is okay to laugh.
Essential is to have at least one person who will allow them to grieve or give them permission to grieve.
You can postpone grief but you cannot avoid it. As other stresses come along, one becomes less able to cope if one has other unresolved grief.
It requires a great deal of energy to avoid grief and robs one of energy for creative expression in relating to other people and in living a fulfilling life. It limits one's life potential.
All that left me feeling like this walk that I'm going to do in August is the start of something wonderful. More healing, but not just for me, for so many others as well. By raising the awareness, by sharing my pain, I can help give a voice to all those that no longer have theirs.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
fighting demons & other thoughts...
so one of my online friends posted about fighting demons & it really spoke to me...
you know the demons, the ones that come out when you're already feeling down & you're alone & it's late at night...
there have been so many of my friends lately that have been battling inner demons...trying to get through it on their own...to them i just want to say, we all do fight these d*mn demons...and we will make it through it...
i'm like many others, i hate asking for help...thinking i can fight them on my own...thinking i need to fight them on my own...sometimes it's hard to remember that we have friends, hard to remember that when the demons come to fight...and it is hard to remember, sometimes, that it's okay to reach out to one another...hard to know who is real...but, there is hope...there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even when the tunnel seems endless & all that surrounds you is dark...
for me the only option is to fight...i won't be the coward & let the demons win...i can't...having been the one left behind, there is no way i could do that to my friends, my family, the ones i love...i couldn't leave them wondering why or what if...
i have more then once woken to a call from a friend battling these demons...more than once threw on whatever was closest to go be with a friend that reached out...more than once stayed up all night, on the phone or in person, cuz a friend needed someone to be there...i would never not be there when someone reached out if it was within my power to be there...
sometimes we just don't realize that we've stepped off the cliff until it's too late...i always want to be there to put the trampoline in place so we can bounce back up together...or catch & hold a friend close...or just be that shoulder to cry on or ear that will listen...find a way to show (if it's in my power to do so) that there are people that care & even when it may not seem like it things will be okay in the end...
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