So, it's that time of year again for me...maybe some of you reading don't know what exactly November is to me...don't worry, I'll tell you...for me November is heartache, pain, remembrance, betrayal, weakness, loneliness....but it's also become a time for renewal, laughter, new memories, & new beginnings...
Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been seven years. And others it's hard to believe it hasn't been more. It's always like that when someone that you love dies unexpectedly, right? Harder still when it was their own choice. *sigh* It's hard for me to remember that not everyone that knows me knows about this moment in my life. It's one of those moments that change a person forever.
I told him I was leaving on Friday. He went to stay with my parents because I didn't want him in the house anymore and he didn't know where else to go 'til he found a different place. Sunday night we had dinner and he took my wedding ring off while I slept and deleted his contact info from my cell. He gave the ring to my mom to hold onto. We argued about the ring and my cell.
Tuesday I decided that I didn't want to go home that night, that I needed to not go home. Doug, my oldest brother had called me that afternoon and asked how things were going. He told me that my husband had asked a mutual friend for a gun. I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I wasn't going to sit home alone that night.
He called while I was out that night, I didn't answer. He left a voicemail saying how it would be better this way. I thought he meant he was leaving town.
I woke the next morning to a call from my mom. "I've been checking on him all night. I'm not sure he's breathing and I'm afraid to go in and check."
"If you're afraid to go check, then you have to, Mom."
"Oh God, I'll call you back."
When the phone rang again and it was my dad, I knew.
Driving to their home from St. Paul was one of the hardest things I've done. I thank my lucky stars every day that Doug was working in Shoreview. I'm not sure I'd have made it all the way to Oak Grove if Doug hadn't met me in Shoreview and driven the rest of the way.
I don't want to go into much more detail but suffice it to say when they ask you if you want to go in the room with the body, the response should always be, "no thank you."
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. Dad met me in the driveway with a hug. Amy was there. Jenni was there. Tesha was there.
He left a three page note. He left 14 voicemails on his cell phone for me to listen to and one on mom's phone telling us to listen to his. He left three notes at the house.
For so long it was hard to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't. He made his choices. He was sick (bi-polar, unmedicated). Even knowing all of that, sometimes it's still hard to not see it as my fault. I mean, I could have stayed and tried harder to make things work. I could have answered the phone that night when he tried to call. I could have went home. But what if's and could have's and should haven't aren't going to get me anywhere.
Sometimes it's still hard to wake and not have him there. Heck, sometimes it's hard to fall asleep without him there. I'm honest about it to myself. I get points for that, right?! But I remember why I was leaving. I remember being unhappy and feeling like I deserved to be happy.
I still think I deserve to be happy. In November, it's just harder, sometimes, to remind myself why.
This year has been harder, for alot of stupid reasons. Lost my job then found a new one. Broke up with my boyfriend. Fighting with my parents. Just feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to turn.
Which brings me to the reason I started this entry...I have the coolest friends ever. They've all been really supportive. Thanks, y'all.
I had some really great talks with Tesha & Amy over the weekend...our November trip. Gosh, I think it's our fifth one. Cannon Falls. Wisconsin. Hastings. Lake Pepin. Not necessarily in that order.
Some really great talks. Talks we probably should have had years ago. Because how can your friends know the things that you need from them if you don't tell them?! So, I'm working on telling them all the things that I've been afraid to tell them for years. The things that I was afraid would worry them or would make me seem weak.
It's okay to tell your friends that you need cuddles or someone to just hold you, let you cry and tell you everything will be okay. And, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel alone sometimes. It's even okay to feel weak. The one thing I learned this year is that even when feeling all of that, it's okay to reach out. You have to reach out, even if you think that your problems aren't as important as the ones that your friends already have. Let them make that choice. Let them show you how important you are to them. Let them try to help you.
I'll write more about the discussions another time...it's getting late and I need to get some sleep...
