I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Maybe I am destined to be alone.
Maybe there is no family in my future.
No husband.
No children.
No happily ever after.

So I try not to hope.
And I try not to yearn.
And I pretend there's no ache.
I put on the mask & smile for all to see.
While, silently, inside I cry.

I don't always wear the mask.
Some do see the real me.
They say the things I so want to hear.
For a lil while I can believe.
For a lil while I can hope.

Its growing harder to contain.
It no longer wants to be caged.
The loneliness.
The ache.
The fear.

To be wanted.
To be cherished.
To be desired.
To be needed.
To be loved.

I can see it in my dreams.
I can feel it in my soul.

But...

Maybe I am destined to be alone...

December 1, 2009

I wrote that last week...I was sad when I wrote it...but wow it brought me to where I am today...allowing myself to be patient & wait for whatever it is that life is going to show me...allowing myself the right to be happy...it's taken me a long time to get here, to this place where I have the right to be happy and I deserve the love that I long for...and I will damned if I am going to let fear or loneliness hold me back or take me down. Sometimes it's harder than others to remind myself of this. Luckily I have really awesome friends who care for me and who aren't afraid to tell me the things I might not want to hear or who say the things that I need to hear. It's good to feel grounded. To feel happy. And to feel love, from mi familia y mi amigos...

This Year's November Thoughts...

So, it's that time of year again for me...maybe some of you reading don't know what exactly November is to me...don't worry, I'll tell you...for me November is heartache, pain, remembrance, betrayal, weakness, loneliness....but it's also become a time for renewal, laughter, new memories, & new beginnings...

Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been seven years. And others it's hard to believe it hasn't been more. It's always like that when someone that you love dies unexpectedly, right? Harder still when it was their own choice. *sigh* It's hard for me to remember that not everyone that knows me knows about this moment in my life. It's one of those moments that change a person forever.

I told him I was leaving on Friday. He went to stay with my parents because I didn't want him in the house anymore and he didn't know where else to go 'til he found a different place. Sunday night we had dinner and he took my wedding ring off while I slept and deleted his contact info from my cell. He gave the ring to my mom to hold onto. We argued about the ring and my cell.

Tuesday I decided that I didn't want to go home that night, that I needed to not go home. Doug, my oldest brother had called me that afternoon and asked how things were going. He told me that my husband had asked a mutual friend for a gun. I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I wasn't going to sit home alone that night.

He called while I was out that night, I didn't answer. He left a voicemail saying how it would be better this way. I thought he meant he was leaving town.

I woke the next morning to a call from my mom. "I've been checking on him all night. I'm not sure he's breathing and I'm afraid to go in and check."

"If you're afraid to go check, then you have to, Mom."

"Oh God, I'll call you back."

When the phone rang again and it was my dad, I knew.

Driving to their home from St. Paul was one of the hardest things I've done. I thank my lucky stars every day that Doug was working in Shoreview. I'm not sure I'd have made it all the way to Oak Grove if Doug hadn't met me in Shoreview and driven the rest of the way.

I don't want to go into much more detail but suffice it to say when they ask you if you want to go in the room with the body, the response should always be, "no thank you."

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. Dad met me in the driveway with a hug. Amy was there. Jenni was there. Tesha was there.

He left a three page note. He left 14 voicemails on his cell phone for me to listen to and one on mom's phone telling us to listen to his. He left three notes at the house.

For so long it was hard to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't. He made his choices. He was sick (bi-polar, unmedicated). Even knowing all of that, sometimes it's still hard to not see it as my fault. I mean, I could have stayed and tried harder to make things work. I could have answered the phone that night when he tried to call. I could have went home. But what if's and could have's and should haven't aren't going to get me anywhere.

Sometimes it's still hard to wake and not have him there. Heck, sometimes it's hard to fall asleep without him there. I'm honest about it to myself. I get points for that, right?! But I remember why I was leaving. I remember being unhappy and feeling like I deserved to be happy.

I still think I deserve to be happy. In November, it's just harder, sometimes, to remind myself why.

This year has been harder, for alot of stupid reasons. Lost my job then found a new one. Broke up with my boyfriend. Fighting with my parents. Just feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to turn.

Which brings me to the reason I started this entry...I have the coolest friends ever. They've all been really supportive. Thanks, y'all.

I had some really great talks with Tesha & Amy over the weekend...our November trip. Gosh, I think it's our fifth one. Cannon Falls. Wisconsin. Hastings. Lake Pepin. Not necessarily in that order.

Some really great talks. Talks we probably should have had years ago. Because how can your friends know the things that you need from them if you don't tell them?! So, I'm working on telling them all the things that I've been afraid to tell them for years. The things that I was afraid would worry them or would make me seem weak.

It's okay to tell your friends that you need cuddles or someone to just hold you, let you cry and tell you everything will be okay. And, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel alone sometimes. It's even okay to feel weak. The one thing I learned this year is that even when feeling all of that, it's okay to reach out. You have to reach out, even if you think that your problems aren't as important as the ones that your friends already have. Let them make that choice. Let them show you how important you are to them. Let them try to help you.

I'll write more about the discussions another time...it's getting late and I need to get some sleep...

sometimes love just ain't enough...

never thought i'd say that...or believe it...

sometimes in the ebb & flow of life, we need to get away from the water before it pulls us too far in & we drown...

i've been trying to stay afloat too long...it's time to crawl on shore and curl up somewhere safe...

*looks around for a tree to curl up under, wiping the tears away*

*sigh*

so much going on...

lost my job, and though that really sucks i feel so much less stress...it's been a long time since i was happy there...now time to find something new...

and M, wow...so much there...so many decisions to make...well, ok, maybe just one decision...do i stay and try to work on things or do i leave? i know that he loves me...i love him too...but is it enough? do i stay with him cuz i know he loves me? or do i leave cuz i know any change would only be temporary? it sort of comes down to how much do i love myself...

the ebb & flow of life...lately i feel it pushing me into the water, deeper and deeper...and all i can do is try to swim, try to stay afloat, try not to let it drown me in the pain...

it is August after all, why is it that the two most painful times in my life are toward the end of the year? August and November...Goddess, sometimes i just hate those months...just 11 short days and it would have been 10 years and he's been gone almost seven now...some day i'll be able to look at a calendar and not dread August & November...someday...

those are my thoughts for the day...and probably part of what's making my head hurt...

*grrr*

i'm so mad right now...okay, so granted i've been hating my job a bit lately anyways but still...and, yes i know i'm lucky to have a job (there are those that don't)...and i'm happy to have one, sometimes i just wish it wasn't this one...

so for the past two and one half days i've been working on rental applications & renters insurance & changing utility billing & getting all the lease stuff together for one of our other locations. first, it's not in my job description so i'm a lil frustrated that i'm the one doing it anyways. but if our sales manager would have just brought the f*cking money order in last night like i told him to (with 2.5 hours to spare) he would have had the keys in hand and been able to move in last night...but, NO, he had too many things to do. forget the fact that i've only called 4 clients in the past 3 days or the fact that i had to go over everything from start with the lady at the rental office since he didn't tell me anything that i needed to know to talk to her. i mean, hello, her name would have been nice for starters. so, for the second time this week i'm staying at the office late, missing my karate class, cuz no one could get their stuff together...i'm so mad! and no one seems to think it's a big deal. and that just makes me more angry...

*deep breath* okay, i'm a lil better now...i need a vacation, well a different job for sure, but definitely a vacation...

Thoughts on Suicide...

I have a few things weighing on my mind lately so I'm going to take the advise of a close friend (you know who you are) and try to put some of it down in writing...bare with me, I'm a bit scatter-minded lately...so I'll start with one of the most pressing things on my mind today...

Suicide...we all cringe when we see it in writing & weep a lil inside when we hear of it, but what do you do when someone close to you takes his/her own life? We're supposed to grieve & move on, right?! Yeah, whatever...like it's that easy.

It's been years now (almost 7) yet I still remember it like it happened yesterday. The call, the call that I'll never forget.

"I'm afraid to go check on him. Afraid he's not breathing."

"Then you need to go in there."

"I'll call you right back."

The words no one ever wants to hear. He's gone. The shock. The loss. The hurt. The anger. The all-consuming rage. And the heart-wrenching pain of loss.

I still have no idea how I drove as far as I did. I don't remember the drive, not really. I remember the conversations that I had while I was driving. Yeah, yeah, talking while I was driving...how else was I to stay sane? I'm grateful that my oldest brother was in Shoreview that day, he met me & drove the rest of the way to my parents' home.

I'm also thankful for all my friends that were with me that day (Amy, Jenni, Tesha)...if it weren't for them, I probably would have just curled up into a ball & cried for weeks. I'm so thankful to have them. For listening to me. For crying with me. For remembering with me. For breaking things with me. For helping me write that stupid obituary. For cooking with me. For laughing with me. For letting me be me. For just being who you are. For all of that & so much more, I'm thankful for your friendship. And all the help that they have been since still amazes me. I do have wonderful friends, real friends...and I love them with all that I am.

So what, you ask, has me thinking such deep thoughts lately. A friend who lost her brother to suicide asked me to do a suicide awareness walk with her in August, then another friend lost someone close to her to suicide. It all made me think that suicide touches our lives in more ways then we're aware.

I found the following thoughts, that I found way helpful, on this great website. Keep in mind that they are just excerpts of a bunch of useful information...I just thought these were great, even without all the other stuff. Simple, yet profound.

http://www.save.org/

When the worst has happened and you have lost a loved one to suicide there is little that can be said to comfort you.

It is okay to grieve.

It is okay to cry.

It is okay to heal.

It is okay to laugh.

Essential is to have at least one person who will allow them to grieve or give them permission to grieve.

You can postpone grief but you cannot avoid it. As other stresses come along, one becomes less able to cope if one has other unresolved grief.

It requires a great deal of energy to avoid grief and robs one of energy for creative expression in relating to other people and in living a fulfilling life. It limits one's life potential.

All that left me feeling like this walk that I'm going to do in August is the start of something wonderful. More healing, but not just for me, for so many others as well. By raising the awareness, by sharing my pain, I can help give a voice to all those that no longer have theirs.

fighting demons & other thoughts...

so one of my online friends posted about fighting demons & it really spoke to me...

you know the demons, the ones that come out when you're already feeling down & you're alone & it's late at night...

there have been so many of my friends lately that have been battling inner demons...trying to get through it on their own...to them i just want to say, we all do fight these d*mn demons...and we will make it through it...

i'm like many others, i hate asking for help...thinking i can fight them on my own...thinking i need to fight them on my own...sometimes it's hard to remember that we have friends, hard to remember that when the demons come to fight...and it is hard to remember, sometimes, that it's okay to reach out to one another...hard to know who is real...but, there is hope...there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even when the tunnel seems endless & all that surrounds you is dark...

for me the only option is to fight...i won't be the coward & let the demons win...i can't...having been the one left behind, there is no way i could do that to my friends, my family, the ones i love...i couldn't leave them wondering why or what if...

i have more then once woken to a call from a friend battling these demons...more than once threw on whatever was closest to go be with a friend that reached out...more than once stayed up all night, on the phone or in person, cuz a friend needed someone to be there...i would never not be there when someone reached out if it was within my power to be there...

sometimes we just don't realize that we've stepped off the cliff until it's too late...i always want to be there to put the trampoline in place so we can bounce back up together...or catch & hold a friend close...or just be that shoulder to cry on or ear that will listen...find a way to show (if it's in my power to do so) that there are people that care & even when it may not seem like it things will be okay in the end...